The Year in Review

So more than a year has passed since our little Lily was born with a broken heart. She is a thriving fourteen month old now, complete with five teeth, a head full of hair and a motor bike. Okay, so no motor bike yet but you can see where this is headed. Her first flew by and seemed at time to drag on as I struggled to keep up with the medicines, the doctor's appointments, the sleeplessness, the feedings, everything (good, bad, and beautiful) that a baby brings to her parents. If I was to paint a picture of what this first year looked like, I would want to use bright and vivid colors and lead you to believe that we were always happy, that I never had a meltdown, and that the house was perfectly maintained at all times.

Lies! All lies! Life had beautiful, joyous moments. We laughed and cuddled and sang and smiled, in an unusually messy apartment. I also had meltdown days, or weeks, as I struggled with postpartum depression and loneliness, stuck at home with a sick child and very little interaction with the outside world. It is amazing to me how much life has changed. Or maybe my attitude has changed. I think it is a little of both. We sleep through the night more often than not now days and enjoy the giggles, hugs, and whispers from our sweet Lily. She lights up our lives in every way imaginable.

Tonight, as I rocked her to sleep, I sang old hymns to her-- songs that took me back to my childhood. 

How Great Thou Art. The rain fell and the lighting flashed outside the nursery window as we rocked and sang, "I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, and then proclaim, 'My God! How Great Thou Art!" As I sang, I remembered a family vacation to the Grand Canyon and singing that very song with my grandmother, mother, sister, dad, and brother as we looked out over the expansive canyon. I was around sixteen at the time. I am sure I thought I was a little too cool for that moment then, but now I am so thankful to share that memory of praising God with people I love. 

Great is Thy Faithfulness. Singing about God's great faithfulness and His unchanging nature reminded me of singing that song with my husband as we sat in our first small apartment which had been recently burglarized and again as I struggled that year with health issues and again as our baby was growing in my womb and we were fighting to have faith that God would deliver her from her heart defects into good health and into our loving, waiting arms. He proved faithful in every event and so many more than we could ever retell. We trust that He will continue to prove faithful again and again as life throws us curves, as we swing and miss, He remains the same-- always good, always loving, always trustworthy. 

Jesus Paid It All. "I hear the Savior say, 'Thy strength indeed is small. Child of weakness watch and pray. Find in Me thine all in all. Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe. My sin had left a crimson stain. He washed it white as snow." Growing up in the Bible belt in Memphis, Tennessee, I sat through countless church services. Usually during the invitation, this song, or one like it would be played softly on the piano as we prayed for God to move among us and change our hearts and save lost souls. I think the song became so familiar after so many years that I forgot to listen, to dwell upon the beauty of Christ's call, to respond in praise. But as I sang tonight of the child of weakness, I heard my name being called and melted into my Savior's arms. 

I am exhausted at the end of each day and by the end of the week, I am running on empty. I can do so little in my own strength but every day I forget until I lay down at night feeling like I have lost another race. As we rocked, I heard my Savior's call for me to watch and pray and rest in Him. He called me to stop running myself ragged and to stop running on fumes of old faith. Jesus has paid my debts and washed me clean. Why do I keep scrubbing like Lady Macbeth, trying to ring the blood from my guilty hands? All the evils I have done and all the failures I define myself by have been forgiven and washed away by the perfect Savior. I don't have to strive for perfection. I need not fret or attempt to wash myself clean. In Christ, I live and move and have my being. He is my strength and the Giver of all good things in life. I will rest in Him tonight. Watch and pray. Goodnight all.